


The Lizzie Bennet Crash Course in Fun

by imaginarycircus



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M, Humor, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-01-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 11:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginarycircus/pseuds/imaginarycircus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lizzie puts another piece of the puzzle that is William Darcy into place. He doesn't know how to have a good time and she thinks she can teach him, though she might be in a bit over her head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lizzie Bennet Crash Course in Fun

We all know how this story ends, but we can only guess how we'll get there. Chances are this never really happened, at least none of the involved parties are admitting anything. 

**

Fine. If he was going to stare at her like that, she was going to stare right back. She'd had two strong appletinis and besides his face was fascinating. He had the capacity for openness and joy. It was right there in the sweep of his jaw, the flutter of an eye, and the way his smile almost, almost sometimes manifested. He had a hard shell--a carapace, he'd probably call it. GiGi was taking an awfully long time in the bathroom. Lizzie wondered if she was all right, or if maybe she'd ducked out a back door and left them alone. Again. This silence was becoming uncomfortable.

"So, Darce. What do you do for fun?" 

He frowned and mulled, but didn't have an answer. She could practically see 'system error' flashing on his face. 

"OK. What did you do when you were a kid?"

Blank look, but at least he wasn't staring at her anymore like he could bore right through her skull and somehow understand her if he could see inside her. 

"Did you climb trees? Catch frogs? Have water gun fights? Pretend you were an astronaut?" Lizzie was leaning heavily on her right arm, listing over a bit too far. She sat up straighter. Darcy was sitting bolt upright, still nursing the same glass of single malt--unpronounceable whatever it was. And aged. Like Darcy--an old man before his time. 

Darcy shifted slightly and ducked his head. "I had a stamp collection." 

Lizzie rolled her eyes. "Of course you did." 

"I lead a very contented childhood. I built several replicas of battleships," he said--chin out. 

"Yeah, but did you ever have any fun?" She knew the answer, could see it on his face as plain as day. He was stymied. He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. She tried again. "Did you run around? Play in mud? Laugh until you were almost sick? Ride a Ferris wheel? Have a pet? Eat all your Halloween candy in one night? Dress up in silly costumes? Pretend you were someone else, something else? That you had magical powers? You must have climbed trees? Worn balloon hats that you got at a fair or a circus? Watched cartoons on Saturday mornings sitting way too close to the TV?" 

He scratched his neck. "I'm allergic to most domestic animals, or at least I was when I was a child. I had asthma so I wasn't permitted to run or climb trees. My mother thought Halloween was ridiculous and I'm afraid I never participated. I also wasn't encouraged to watch television unless it was a program of an improving or informative nature." He frowned. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

"Because. You had no childhood. Oh, my God. I finally understand what's wrong with you!" She slapped her hands on the table, which made him jump. "We have to do something about this." 

"I don't think I understand." 

"William Darcy. I am going to teach you how to have fun." She twisted and looked over her shoulder towards the restrooms. "Do you think she fell in?" 

He almost cracked the tiniest smile, which made her want to shake a real smile out of him like he was vending machine that wouldn't give her a Snickers bar. Her mission was clear. She was going to make Darcy laugh until he was practically rolling around the floor and crying. This was well within her skill set and she was not afraid of fighting dirty. Darcy's phone buzzed on the table next to his glass. He glanced at it and smirked before passing it to Lizzie. 

"Wasn't feeling well. Didn't want to bring you guys down. Hopped a cab home. Have fun!! -G"

"Are you ever afraid that she's going to drug us and we're going to wake up married in Vegas with no memory of what happened?" As soon as the words were out she almost slapped herself. Bringing up marriage was a bad idea. He looked wistful instead of amused. Not that he'd asked her to marry him, but he was the sort of guy who was serious about everything. If he'd been in love with her that probably would have been final for him. That thought came with a swooping feeling in her stomach. 

"What are you doing this weekend, Darcy?" 

He cleared his throat. "Well. I was planning to go for a long bike ride tomorrow. GiGi and I usually go for brunch on Sunday mornings and then I have some work I need to--" 

"No. No. No. You can't do any of that, well, except maybe brunch. Do you know what you're going to do this weekend, Mr. Darcy?" 

"What?" He was leaning forwards, cheeks slightly flushed. Was this what it felt like when you hypnotized people? 

"You are getting the Lizzie Bennet crash course in fun. Finish your drink. We have things to do." She watched with amazement as he slammed back half a scotch and with slightly glassy eyes waited for her instructions. 

Lizzie took out her phone and found what she was looking for on Yelp. This swanky bar was not what they needed. Armed with an address she hopped off her stool and he threw some cash on the table before following her out. They had to walk to the corner to catch a cab and Lizzie gave the address and they were off. She refused to give him so much as a hint. He was still wearing a tie. That had to go. She reached over and fumbled with the knot and the look of utter shock on his face made her break into giggles. 

"Lighten up. I'm not going to ravish you, but you have to lose the tie," she said. 

He nodded once, a quick up and down, brisk and efficient. Did he ever waste time? Sleep in? Loiter? She managed to unknot the tie and pulled it from under his shirt collar. She was kneeling on one knee and paused for a moment because they were too close and the air was thick with something electric and unnameable. The cab turned--a set of headlights cut across his face. She hadn't ever really noticed how blue his eyes were, a very dark blue and then she lost her balance and would have hit the door if he hadn't grabbed her and steadied her. He swallowed hard and let go of her. She quickly undid the top two buttons of his shirt and sat back down. His face was a comical combination of relieved and disappointed. 

She wound the tie around her hand and dropped it into her lap where it unwound somewhat. Her dress was fairly modest, falling just above her knees, but when she sat down and wasn't careful it had a tendency to ride up. Which it had. He'd noticed that too when he'd followed the trajectory of his tie. He was still noticing, she corrected herself. She was tempted to clear her throat and make him self conscious, but that wasn't the point of this lesson. Besides did it really matter if he looked at her legs? Well, looked like _that_ at her legs. She tugged her skirt down a bit and he quickly turned his attention to the passing scenery. 

**

The bar was even tackier than she'd hoped and the stage had a spotlight. There were two women on stage belting out, "It's Raining Men," but people were nodding along, clapping--some of them were dancing. The mood was good. She hazarded a glance at Darcy. His expression could have make sequoias seem pliable. 

"You want me to sing Karaoke." It was a statement, not a question. 

She nodded and waited for him to argue, but he surprised her by saying, "I think I'm going to need a shot of something first." 

Lizzie dragged him to the bar and ordered two shots of tequila and paid for them before he knew what she was about. When the shots, limes and salt were in front of them she asked, "You know how to do this right?" 

He looked down his nose at her. "I did go to college, you know." 

"I know, but I would have guessed you sat round in a velvet smoking jacket, drinking scotch, watching the stock market." 

He knew she was teasing and he took it with good grace, but instead of replying he handed her the salt shaker. She licked the back of her hand and sprinkled it liberally with salt, but when she picked up her shot and lime she noticed Darcy frowning at her. "What?" 

"You licked your hand?" He seemed extraordinary puzzled. 

"Yeah, how do you do it?" she asked. 

He picked up the lime and rubbed it on the back of his hand before adding the salt. Maybe it was the appletinis warming her from the inside out, but she could not stop herself from leaning over and whispering (loudly, because they were in a bar), "I guess you've never done body shots. The best part is that you get to lick someone else." 

She was entirely certain that if she'd had a sturdy pin and she'd stuck him that he would have popped like a balloon. Maybe she'd gone too far over the flirting line into Lydia territory. She probably shouldn't tease him, but it was just so fun to make him contort his face like that. She felt free in a way she normally didn't. Normal Lizzie would talk herself out of all of this, but she was tired of being normal Lizzie. Normal Lizzie was boring and a little bit lonely, tired of reading about people having adventures instead of having them herself. 

She clinked glasses with Darcy before shooting hers back and shoving the lime between her teeth. She still shuddered and made a face from both the burn of the tequila and the sourness of the lime. Darcy was still holding his shot, but he was almost smiling--it was like half a smile. Baby steps, she told herself. She watched him take his shot and was impressed when he barely winced. He set his glass on the bar and she grabbed the cuff of his dress shirt and dragged him to look at the book of songs available. 

She looked up at him. "Are you going to let me pick?" 

"You're the teacher," he said. 

She flipped the pages, not reading every title, simply letting her eyes wander until she found one. She quickly memorized the number and shut the book before he could see anything on the page. She handed in the slip and lead him to a table to wait. He started to ask her something twice, but ended up shaking his head instead. She wouldn't have told him anyway because she knew how he felt about popular music. The next performer was an older man with a beard and ponytail. He absolutely butchered "Stairway to Heaven." Darcy winced a couple of times at the flat notes, but clapped politely at the end. Most of the audience was applauding loudly, in part because the man had obviously been having a blast, no matter that he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. 

Darcy looked a bit pale so Lizzy leaned over and squeezed his shoulder. "How do you think that guy did?" 

"He was rather terrible." 

"Well, yeah. But he had fun. He had so much fun that nobody cared that he couldn't sing." Lizzie looked at him pointedly. She could see that he wanted to bolt, but was willing himself to stay put and do it, but he looked so grim. Maybe he needed an incentive. 

"Did you ever play _Truth or Dare_? 

He frowned so deeply that she thought it must be giving him a headache and he shook his head. 

"OK. Think of this as _Truth or Dare._ I'm daring you to do this, but then it's my turn." 

He looked at her coolly, appraising his options. "And I get to pick whether it's truth or dare? I mean you picked for me. It's only fair." 

He was right and she hoped she wasn't biting off more than she could chew. Normal Lizzie would back out at this point. "OK. Deal." 

The corner of his mouth ticked up and she had a feeling she should worry, but it was his turn. She'd worry later. 

The Emcee was a very tiny man in a bolo tie, which seemed kind of weird, but they were in a tacky karaoke bar. "Next up we have William? You out there? Come on up!" 

She pushed him out of his chair and he strode onto the stage. He blinked owlishly into the spotlight, looking even paler than he had before. She held her breath. She wasn't trying to make him look especially foolish--except in that way that it's sometimes fun to be foolish, to be silly, to laugh at yourself and have fun with something ridiculous. She hoped he could get that. 

"Oh, honey. You're not up here of you're own free will, are you? I can always tell." The Emcee patted Darcy on the arm. 

"No, but someone dared me to do it."

She could tell he was sweeping the audience looking for her, but the spotlight was making that difficult. The Emcee asked for applause and told Darcy he'd be fine and to just go with it. Lizzie moved to the edge of the stage where he could see her and smiled encouragingly at him. He had a death grip on the mic.

Then the song started and Darcy blinked at the words flashing on the monitor. He was utterly bewildered and Lizzie held her breath. She decided that if he absolutely froze she would rush the stage and help him out. He missed the first two lines, but picked it up just when she'd raised one foot to step onto the stage. He was doing it! She didn't know whether to clap or have hysterical laughter because somehow she'd convinced William Darcy, stick-in-the-mud and CEO to get on stage and sing Ke$ha, or at least mumble along. If only she'd had the foresight to record it because Darcy singing, "...brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back..." 

He grimaced at the poor grammar, but forged ahead.

Half the audience was up and dancing, which seemed to help loosen him up. It was possibly the weirdest version of 'Tik Tok' she could imagine, but it somehow worked. Either no one noticed the entirely perplexed look on his face, or nobody cared. He had an awkward head bob thing going that Lizzie found endearing. At the end He gave a very formal little bow and the applause was enthusiastic. 

She met him at the edge of the stage and high-fived him. He was very close to smiling now. "Your turn he said." 

"So. Truth or dare?" They made there way to an empty table in the back.

"If I pick truth you have to tell me the absolute truth, correct?" 

"Yes. There's an unbreakable and sacred _Truth or Dare _code, Darcy." She was mocking him a bit, but sarcasm was her refuge.__

They sat but before her butt hit the chair, Darcy said, "Lizzie Bennet, have you ever been in love?" 

She was really thankful she hadn't been drinking anything because she would have sprayed it everywhere. "Wow, going for the jugular." She gave him credit. It was a ballsy question considering their history. 

He just looked at her evenly, prepared to wait her out. She huffed. "Well, my first love, as you know, was Ricky Collins--"

"That doesn't count," he made a sweeping motion with his hand.

"Is it hot in here? I could use some ice water." She looked around for a waitress. Darcy waved one down and sent her for water. 

"Remember the unbreakable and sacred code," he reminded her. 

She took a deep breath and really wished she already had that glass or something to wrap her hands around. She ran her fingernail along the edge of the table. "I thought I was. Once. I was seventeen. First boyfriend."

"What happened?" He leaned forwards, in part because she was speaking more quietly. 

"It ended badly." Darcy just sung ridiculous pop music without a fuss. She had to pony up. "I caught him kissing another girl. At our prom." She shrugged as if it didn't still sting a bit. 

"He was obviously a moron." 

Lizzie kept her eyes on the table too nervous to watch the play of emotion on his face. It was sweet of him to try, but part of her would always likely feel like that heartbroken, rejected girl in an unattractive, frothy peach dress that her mother had picked out. Darcy reached out and touched her hand, quickly. Just a gentle tap really. "And where is this paragon now?" 

"He manages an In n Out in Modesto."

"See? Moron." 

Lizzie was tempted to argue and accuse Darcy of being a snob, but she'd called Jim a moron too and Darcy was trying to defend her honor in a way. She gave him a wan smile. 

"So, what next?" He asked and handed the waitress a tip after she'd plunked down their waters. 

"Truth," she said. "Did you ever do anything rebellious when you were a teenager?"

Darcy took a deep drink of water before looking at her levelly and saying, "Does getting a tattoo count?" 

"You did not!" Tattoos were not that big a deal--soccer moms had them, but somehow the idea of Darcy having one was shocking. "You're bluffing." 

Darcy sipped his water with a smug almost smile.

"How? What?" Lizzie shook her head spluttering. 

"When I was at boarding school we snuck out and got blind drunk on Schnapps. Somehow Fitz talked us into it." He sounded so honest, but she couldn't believe it. 

"Show me." 

"What?" 

"I want to see it. I'm not going to believe it until I see it." 

"It's not exactly... I can't show you. At least not in a public place." 

Lizzie knew she was gawping, but she couldn't close her mouth. When she managed to get words out again she asked, "What is it? Where is it?" 

He squinched up his face in a way she had never seen him do before. They were leaning quite close together.

"Remember the sacred and unbreakable code," she said. 

"Even though I was so drunk I barely remember the experience I had enough sense to pick a spot I knew my parents would be unlikely to ever see." He paused and dropped his eyes. "You'll probably make fun of this, but it's a Latin phrase. _Facta, non verba._ Deeds, not words." He looked up to see her reaction. 

She sat back, stunned. "I guess that's appropriate. You're not what I would call chatty. But oh, my God. I can't believe you have Latin tattooed on your ass." 

"I don't." 

Her gaze flew up to meet his and he was almost laughing. He was stringing her along? That bastard! 

"It's runs along my right hip bone." 

She leaned to the side and peered at his hip as if she could see through his pants. Maybe if he were someone else, maybe if they'd had more to drink--she'd have dragged him into the bathroom to see it. Because she really didn't think she could believe it without proof. 

"You don't have any, I assume." He was laughing at her now. On the inside. She could tell.

"Me? Of course not. I don't like needles for one thing." She was starting to feel remarkably antsy, probably the result of trying to imagine Darcy's naked hip. "Let's get out of here." 

He nodded and followed her out onto the sidewalk, where he paused and said, "Truth?" 

"Okay. Shoot." She buttoned her jacket and wound her scarf around her neck.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked. 

"Doing what?" 

"This whole endeavor to get me to have fun? Why are you spending time with me?" 

It sounded, as it often did, as if there were another whole other layer of meaning under his words. She said, "Because we're friends."

The anxious little divot between his brows appeared and she resisted the urge to reach up and rub it away like a smudge on glass. 

"We are?" He cocked his head, eyebrows raised. 

"Aren't we?" She felt a little hurt that he might not want to be her friend. He'd once wanted something very different from her, quite a bit more than friendship. 

He smiled an honest to God smile and it nearly knocked her on her ass. "I hope we are," he said. 

She turned unsteadily and they started walking. 

"Where are we going?" he asked. 

"I have no idea. We should just see where fate leads us and I can see from the look on your face that you hate that idea." She stepped in front of him, stopping him. "Don't you ever just wander? Go do something with no plan?"

"Not on purpose." 

"Well, let this be a lesson and if we can't find anything fun to do at least we can wander around and you can ask me embarrassing questions, or dare me to do silly things." 

He demurred and they wandered several blocks debating, though it sounded like arguing, about Marshall McLuhan's relevance. Lizzie paused to emphasize a point, but was distracted by two men exiting via a nondescript door. One was carrying an honest to God light saber--a green one. The other was carrying a large papier mache dragon's head. 

"Am I hallucinating?" Lizzie asked. 

Darcy turned to see what she was staring at and said, "Oh, hello Mark." 

Mark was short and balding--hair shaved almost down to his scalp.

"Darcy? What a funny place to bump into you." Mark, gesturing with his light sabre, introduced his partner, who was also called Mark, which they admitted was confusing. "That's why everyone calls him Simon instead." 

Darcy shook hands with Simon, who said, "Wow. I've heard a lot about you from Mark. I've wanted to meet you for ages." 

Mark and Simon looked politely from Darcy to Lizzie and Mark cleared his throat, which seemed to jolt Darcy's awareness. "Sorry. This is Lizzie Bennet. Lizzie, this is Mark Hughes. He used to be the head of IT at Pemberley, but he's gone off to start his own company." 

Mark grasped Lizzie's hand in both of his. "What he's not telling you is that I couldn't have done it without his help or support." 

"Mark, you would have succeeded with or without me. Don't exaggerate." Lizzie liked the way Darcy said things--as if they were true. He never said what he didn't believe, never bothered with polite. It was reassuring to know that he always told the truth, or at least his version of it. She wouldn't have admitted it out loud, but the more time she spent with him the more she liked him.

"Sorry. Why are you carrying a light saber?" Lizzie couldn't hold the question in any longer. "And a dragon's head?"

"We were just up at The Hangout," Simon said as if that explained everything.

"I'm from out of town so I don't know what that is." Lizzie glanced at Darcy, but he didn't seem to know either. 

"Oh." Mark and Simon exchanged looks--the sort of wordless communication between people who are close. "Well, it's kind of a secret." 

"That's why there's no sign. You only find out about it by word of mouth," Simon said. 

Mark took out his phone and tapped it a few times. Darcy's phone buzzed in his pocket. "There. You've got the password and directions if you want to go up." 

"What is it?" Lizzie asked. 

Simon laughed a little, mussing his already artfully mussed hair. "You'll just have to go up and see." 

"Hey, let's have lunch soon, Darcy. I want to talk to you about this new system that Broadbent is considering." Mark shook hands with Darcy and said goodbye to Lizzie. The couple walked off and Darcy and Lizzie watched them go. 

"So?" Darcy said. "Shall we go up and see what it is?" 

"Yes. I want to know where you take a light saber and a dragon's head, or if you get them up there. Lydia and I used to pretend the salad spoons were light sabers and fight with them while making that humming- buzzing noise. Well, you know." 

Darcy shook his head. Lost again.

"No." Lizzie shook her head and held up a hand. "No. No. Please don't tell me."

Darcy said nothing, but he stood up straighter. 

"How can you have never seen Star Wars?" This whole task was going to be harder than Lizzie had expected. She wasn't filling in a few gaps--she needed to build from the bottom up. She took a deep breath. "OK. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to go up there and explore. Then we're going to my apartment so I can get some things. Then we're going to the store for supplies and then we're going to watch Star Wars. All right?" 

Darcy half smiled. "You're in charge." 

Lizzie watched him take out his phone and text the password to the number Mark had provided. They had to wait a few minutes for someone to come down and let them in. Darcy called GiGi to check in with her. He didn't want her to worry and on the off chance that she was really unwell he wanted to see if she needed anything.

Lizzie watched him talk to his sister, heard the easy affection in his tone. She knew that Darcy didn't hand over the reins to other people, at least not willingly and what did it mean that he let her take charge of his evening? Why would he do that so easily, happily even? The possible answers made her want to run around the block to burn off the jitters, because she'd been telling herself that Darcy could not still have romantic feelings towards her after he'd seen the videos. Also she truly believed that whomever he'd been in love with--was not her, because he hadn't known her--he'd known some superficial version of her he'd invented. And you can't love someone if you don't know who she is. Tap dancing around the present situation wasn't going to help though. It was clear that Darcy knew her better now--and he had feelings. There were a number of problems with that. Beginning with the startling fact that she did not mind. That she was not indifferent to him. That her fingers itched and often reached out to touch him. She was feeling many things--emotional, physical, the whole package, but she was leaving in a few weeks. This was probably headed for disaster, but what the heck. She was in San Francisco having an actual adventure. She might as well enjoy the ride. 

Darcy hung up with GiGi, who'd been attempting to grill him on what they were up to. The anonymous gray door in front them swung inward and there stood a very tall man in a gold lamé dress, platinum wig, and platform shoes. He towered over Darcy and it was amusing to watch Darcy look up at someone. 

"Why are you kids here?" The man leaned against the door frame and inspected his nails, which were bitten down to the quick. 

Darcy tucked his chin and was about to say something unhelpful so Lizzie laid a hand on his arm to stop him and said, "Serendipity." 

The man in drag glanced up at her and considered her for a moment, taking in her appearance from head to toe. "Oh, I like you. I like this whole business casual thing you've got going. Come on in. You can call me Miss Lucy." 

"Ready?" Lizzie said over her shoulder as they began to climb the narrow, dimly lit stairs. 

"As long as I'm with you? Yes." 

She hadn't seen his face as he'd spoken, but knew how he'd looked anyway. Was it possible to burst into flame and freeze at the same time? Because she was a peculiar mix of hot and cold all at once. She nearly missed a stair and focused on her feet, trying not to imagine that Darcy was watching her bare legs as they bent and flexed in front of him. It was her turn and she couldn't even begin to guess what he'd truth he'd ask her for next. He hadn't given her a dare yet and the possibilities made her consider just how inventive his imagination might be.


End file.
